And so I begin,,,

In my dreams, we laugh and talk and work together. In my dreams, he loves me – even after all these years. The reality of our life together was much different: neglect relieved by insults and ridicule and outright contempt.

More than twenty years after the divorce, I’m still recovering from those twelve very difficult, painful, demoralizing years. While it’s entirely possible that he might have been an equally contemptuous misogynist if he were straight, the fact that he is gay cannot be discounted from the toxicity of our marital relationship, even though he continues to insist that his being gay had nothing to do with our divorce.

When I was going through it all, there was no one to talk with, no one I trusted. My support network developed far more recently. I’m determined that no woman within my circle of influence suffer as I did.

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10 thoughts on “And so I begin,,,

  1. Geee, I understand about the wreckage that a sodomite leaves behind when he leaves a marriage to pursue his sexual gratification, but you seem to leave no room for the pain and alienation that men experience when their wives take up with their belly dance buddies and leave to go saphhic.

  2. Hey, I just started this thing last night! Give a gal some room to expand a bit! LOL Okay, seriously – I do have two male friends who are in just the situation you describe. I'm not without sympathy for them, but … well, let's face it – at this point I can only write about what I know. That's hard enough. I'm certainly not averse to exploring the flip side of the coin, when I get a better footing here. I'll also be posting an email address soon, so maybe you'll give me some more ideas what you'd like to see? God bless you.

  3. Anonymous, that would be kind of off topic, as she was not the one “taking up with their belly dance buddies.” If you are such a person, why not share that yourself instead of criticizing her for not addressing your issue when she’s sharing a very personal story?

  4. I understand the pain. My ex treated me as you described and he admitted to some fairly disturbing incidents from childhood and to a same sex attraction. He nearly came out completely after the divorce. Totally shocked mutual friends with his flirting with guys and commenting on the numbers of good looking men in the coffee shop– and totally ignoring the women! He chose to marry another woman. I hope she can cope with the contempt, the insults, the veiled and not so veiled threats, the verbal and emotional abuse, and the constant hostility to ANY home-making type behavior. In short, acting like a woman got me punished and abused by a man who claimed to love me.

    Top it off, nobody believes me because the first thing he did after leaving me was to visit every single mutual friend and tell them that we were splitting because, get this lie: he claimed I was having a lesbian affair with my best friend!

    So all the evangelicals I knew abandoned me, along with pulling their kids from friendships with my kids, so we were isolated quite thoroughly.

    There is no counseling available to help the victim of an in the closet gay who marries under false pretenses and eventually abuses the woman until the marriage ends.

    At least yours came out of the closet so nobody thinks you are a liar for saying he left you because he was gay.

    • Well, for what it’s worth – and this will be the basis for another post, in a few days – my ex- did not come out for several years, and in the meantime he told people he “had” to leave because I was having an affair. Said “affair,” to be very clear about the whole thing, consisted of asking “How’s your summer break?” when we ran into one another by the dairy section at the local grocery store…. but since when did the truth ever come into play when someone has something so big to hide? After bunches of years (more than 20) I can now laugh and say smart-aleck things like, “And I always thought adultery was supposed to be racier and more exciting than that! Boy, was I naive!”

      Also, the evangelicals of our church treated me like a 1-woman leper colony, after we split up. And people connected with his family still believe about the alleged affair. Never mind that I have lived like a monk…

      I’m really sorry for what you’re going through. I really believe, though, that with time your character will reveal itself to those who are willing to see the truth, and you will be vindicated –

      And if not? There really are worse things in life than being misunderstood and falsely accused. Our Lord knows the difference – and He is the only one who counts.

      God bless you!

    • Teresa, I hope your friends and family found that lie to be as unbelievable as I did; I can’t imagine any straight man who has been affected by this culture of pornography and death actually *leaving his wife because she’s having a lesbian affair*. Heck, for some of the more perverted ones, that is a dream come true!

  5. It has been a few years but I moved on and with a couple exceptions I had to build all new social connections. It gets better.

  6. First, thank you for your blog. I appreciate your clarity and honesty. I am also sorry for the pain you’ve been through. You’re covering an important and under-publicized topic. Best.

  7. It’s your blog, and you have the right to tell the truth as you see it. You have no obligation to make room to tell others’ stories, thus diluting your own message. Blogs are by their very nature personal and limited in their point of view. If others find you too limited, they can start their own blog.

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